Spin-Offs Defeat a "Superior" Foe!!
Curtis "The Chef" Troy cooking up a delicious
batch of trouble for The Foe!
Photo: M.Schoen
CAPITOL HILL – Victory. Our merry band of adventurers have done it again. Despite thunder, lightning, pouring rain, and the occasional field incursion by little old ladies and other pedestrians, Tuesday night saw our heroes take down a highly rated foe!
The Thomas Pain strode onto their home field confident in the fact that they were ranked an overall 20% better than The Spin-Offs. They left wet and defeated.
With this victory The Spin-Offs’ win/loss percentage (“W/L%”) ranking now stands at 60/121 – fewer than half of the League’s 121 teams can boast a better W/L% record than The Spin-Offs!
WELCOME!
A big Team welcome to the newest member of the Spin-Offs’ family, CHRIS “TRANSPORTER” SAUNDERS! CHRIS, a contract specialist, was recently recruited by the ever-talented J-NAR. And she has good taste! Chris fit right into the team, proving himself to be an enthusiastic team player, a skilled fielder, and a powerful hitter! As for CHRIS's nickname, CAPTAIN SCHOEN was the beneficiary of CHRIS’S (kindly offered) post-game chauffeuring skills. CAPTAIN SCHOEN adds the caveat that CHRIS definitely has more hair than Jason Stratham’s popular movie character!
WELCOME BACK!
The Spin-Offs were delighted by the return of two Team pillars: MARQUIS “TRIPLE-TREAT” BRANTLEY and ANDY “LUCKY 13” MUIR. As referenced in an earlier press release, players’ “vacations” and “illnesses” are usually cover stories for highly classified secret missions abroad. Washington insiders have long whispered that The Spin-Offs invest significant resources in conducting covert operations around the globe. (What - you thought your team dues was used to buy softballs??!) The Washington Post’s very own Bob Woodward recently broke this story, citing three unidentified sources he would only refer to as “BRUISER,” “SENATOR K.P.,” & “SPIN-OFFS FAN #1” ;) The Post story noted that the Team’s successful ops include negotiating for the release of two captive American journalists from North Korea (OSCAR); locating the vanished cargo ship Arctic Sea and freeing her crew from an armed band of terrorists (MARQUIS), and covertly spreading love of softball and the American Way to the Iranians (while in the process subconsciously instilling God-like adulation for The Spin-Offs, thus paving the way for a coup in which the Team takes control of Iran) (ANDY).
AWARDS, SHOUT-OUTS, & THANKS!
“MOMMA SHIRLEY” GOODE was named MVP for her masterful skills in tracking the at-bat performance of the opposing players. As each of the foe’s batters took their turn at the plate, SHIRLEY alerted the appropriate Spin-Offs fielders to be extra alert. Her accuracy rivaled the great Babe Ruth himself!
JAMES “WILD THANG” DAVIS and ANDY “LUCKY 13” MUIR were awarded the “Double-Players Award” for their impressive fielding skills. A team that can pull off a double-play against a better-ranked foe is a team to be reckoned with, as JAMES and ANDY so adroitly demonstrated! Well done gentlemen!
JESSICA “J-NAV” NAVARRETE earned the “Outstanding Catcher Award,” as well as her “Palm-Greasing Merit Badge.” Regarding her abilities at home-plate, everyone agrees that "Oh Boy - JNAV sure can catch! And she has a great arm too!" Regarding her newly-acquired palm-greasing prowess, we taught JNAV the (in)appropriate way to introduce herself to unhelpful law enforcement personnel, open-minded judges, and snooty maître'ds!
As for the other member of the J-TWINS powerhouse, JACQUELINE “J-NAR” NARRANJO (aka “H-NIP” ; ) distinguished herself with an excellent performance in right-center field. RCF was a hot-spot on Tuesday night, as many of the opponent’s sluggers were left-handed! Nonetheless, JNAR’s award is not for her fielding skills, but for her team spirit! Her cheering is consistently enthusiastic, boisterous, catchy, and unique! And her “we want a single – just a little single!” cheer has become the official cheer of the Spin-Offs! Thanks Jackie!!
CURTIS “CHIEF” TROY found himself with a new nickname on Tuesday. By decree of Fate (and the shoddy work of our t-shirt vendor), CURTIS shall henceforth be known not only as “CHIEF,” but also “THE CHEF.” Given his masterful coordination of the batting line-up on Tuesday night, the name is quite fitting. Like a culinary master creating a tantalizingly delicious recipe, THE CHEF applied his own brand of magic to optimize the Spin-Offs line-up and pave the way to victory! Our compliments to The Chef!!
CURTIS is not the only player to whom The Spin-Offs owe a debt of gratitude for advice and wisdom. CAPTAIN RICHARD “LITTLE HOMER” HILL refused to abandon his team despite pouring rain and lack of a map to the foe’s field. He arrived just in time to provide welcomed guidance and support to The Spin-Offs’ pitcher, as well as serving as a valuable third-base coach! Glad you were able to make it RICHARD!
Similarly, CLAUDIO BARTOLUCCI gets a big-shout out for coming out to support his Team even though he knew he’d likely be too late to get any game time. Moreover, when he was offered the chance to play, he repeatedly refused, implying that it wouldn’t be fair to the players who had been there from the beginning of the game. We salute CLAUDIO’S admirable attitude, and applaud him for coming out to cheer his team to victory! (Now we just need to come up with a nickname for him!)
OSCAR “O-DOGG” NAVARRETE (aka “O-NAV”) also gets big thanks for coming out to support his Team. OSCAR had initially planned to be at work during the game, in order to preside over an important project. However, when he heard that his beloved Spin-Offs were a player short, he took stock of his work situation and decided to re-jigger his schedule in order to help his Team! Thanks Oscar!!
The Honorable Rep. KELLY HOFFMAN (S-MO) got the “Fashionista Award” for rockin’ an awesome blue headband on Tuesday night. We thought that it was really cool, and in the future may be wearing one ourselves. Incidentally, if you didn’t hear, KELLY is responsible for The Spin-Offs getting their first local press coverage! And finally, for those of you who are political junkies – the aforementioned “(S-MO)” refers to KELLY’S home state (MO for Missouri), and her political affiliation (S for Spin-Offs! ; )
DARRELL “HUD” HUDSON aka "COOL HANDS" aka "FACE" (a reference to the A-Team!) retains his title as Team Masseur. During pre-game warm ups, CAPTAIN SCHOEN was heard to relate the story of how, during the very first Spin-Offs practice, DARRELL was giving on-field massages to nearly every pretty girl who walked by. DARRELL’S lawyers laughed when they heard this story, and cheerfully began filling out the necessary paperwork to sue CAPTAIN SCHOEN for slander. The case goes to trial in September.
NEXT GAME: Tuesday-25-August (The Spin-Offs v. The Revenue Raisers)
This will be a rescheduled game against the I.R.S. softball team. So if your taxes are a source of frustration, take it out on these folks!
(Their captain assures me that Spin-Offs players will NOT be singled out for audits.)
(Unless his team loses. ;)
Hope to see you at tonight’s “Toby’s Happy Hour!”
And as always, Hail Cesar! (Collantes ;)
- M
