Press-Release #7: VICTORY!
Spin-Offs Defeat a "Superior" Foe!!

Curtis "The Chef" Troy cooking up a delicious
batch of trouble for The Foe!
Photo: M.Schoen

CAPITOL HILL – Victory. Our merry band of adventurers have done it again. Despite thunder, lightning, pouring rain, and the occasional field incursion by little old ladies and other pedestrians, Tuesday night saw our heroes take down a highly rated foe!

The Thomas Pain strode onto their home field confident in the fact that they were ranked an overall 20% better than The Spin-Offs. They left wet and defeated.

With this victory The Spin-Offs’ win/loss percentage (“W/L%”) ranking now stands at 60/121 – fewer than half of the League’s 121 teams can boast a better W/L% record than The Spin-Offs!

WELCOME!

A big Team welcome to the newest member of the Spin-Offs’ family, CHRIS “TRANSPORTER” SAUNDERS! CHRIS, a contract specialist, was recently recruited by the ever-talented J-NAR. And she has good taste! Chris fit right into the team, proving himself to be an enthusiastic team player, a skilled fielder, and a powerful hitter! As for CHRIS's nickname, CAPTAIN SCHOEN was the beneficiary of CHRIS’S (kindly offered) post-game chauffeuring skills. CAPTAIN SCHOEN adds the caveat that CHRIS definitely has more hair than Jason Stratham’s popular movie character!

WELCOME BACK!

The Spin-Offs were delighted by the return of two Team pillars: MARQUIS “TRIPLE-TREAT” BRANTLEY and ANDY “LUCKY 13” MUIR. As referenced in an earlier press release, players’ “vacations” and “illnesses” are usually cover stories for highly classified secret missions abroad. Washington insiders have long whispered that The Spin-Offs invest significant resources in conducting covert operations around the globe. (What - you thought your team dues was used to buy softballs??!) The Washington Post’s very own Bob Woodward recently broke this story, citing three unidentified sources he would only refer to as “BRUISER,” “SENATOR K.P.,” & “SPIN-OFFS FAN #1” ;) The Post story noted that the Team’s successful ops include negotiating for the release of two captive American journalists from North Korea (OSCAR); locating the vanished cargo ship Arctic Sea and freeing her crew from an armed band of terrorists (MARQUIS), and covertly spreading love of softball and the American Way to the Iranians (while in the process subconsciously instilling God-like adulation for The Spin-Offs, thus paving the way for a coup in which the Team takes control of Iran) (ANDY).

AWARDS, SHOUT-OUTS, & THANKS!

“MOMMA SHIRLEY” GOODE was named MVP for her masterful skills in tracking the at-bat performance of the opposing players. As each of the foe’s batters took their turn at the plate, SHIRLEY alerted the appropriate Spin-Offs fielders to be extra alert. Her accuracy rivaled the great Babe Ruth himself!

JAMES “WILD THANG” DAVIS and ANDY “LUCKY 13” MUIR were awarded the “Double-Players Award” for their impressive fielding skills. A team that can pull off a double-play against a better-ranked foe is a team to be reckoned with, as JAMES and ANDY so adroitly demonstrated! Well done gentlemen!

JESSICA “J-NAV” NAVARRETE earned the “Outstanding Catcher Award,” as well as her “Palm-Greasing Merit Badge.” Regarding her abilities at home-plate, everyone agrees that "Oh Boy - JNAV sure can catch! And she has a great arm too!" Regarding her newly-acquired palm-greasing prowess, we taught JNAV the (in)appropriate way to introduce herself to unhelpful law enforcement personnel, open-minded judges, and snooty maître'ds!

As for the other member of the J-TWINS powerhouse, JACQUELINE “J-NAR” NARRANJO (aka “H-NIP” ; ) distinguished herself with an excellent performance in right-center field. RCF was a hot-spot on Tuesday night, as many of the opponent’s sluggers were left-handed! Nonetheless, JNAR’s award is not for her fielding skills, but for her team spirit! Her cheering is consistently enthusiastic, boisterous, catchy, and unique! And her “we want a single – just a little single!” cheer has become the official cheer of the Spin-Offs! Thanks Jackie!!

CURTIS “CHIEF” TROY found himself with a new nickname on Tuesday. By decree of Fate (and the shoddy work of our t-shirt vendor), CURTIS shall henceforth be known not only as “CHIEF,” but also “THE CHEF.” Given his masterful coordination of the batting line-up on Tuesday night, the name is quite fitting. Like a culinary master creating a tantalizingly delicious recipe, THE CHEF applied his own brand of magic to optimize the Spin-Offs line-up and pave the way to victory! Our compliments to The Chef!!

CURTIS is not the only player to whom The Spin-Offs owe a debt of gratitude for advice and wisdom. CAPTAIN RICHARD “LITTLE HOMER” HILL refused to abandon his team despite pouring rain and lack of a map to the foe’s field. He arrived just in time to provide welcomed guidance and support to The Spin-Offs’ pitcher, as well as serving as a valuable third-base coach! Glad you were able to make it RICHARD!

Similarly, CLAUDIO BARTOLUCCI gets a big-shout out for coming out to support his Team even though he knew he’d likely be too late to get any game time. Moreover, when he was offered the chance to play, he repeatedly refused, implying that it wouldn’t be fair to the players who had been there from the beginning of the game. We salute CLAUDIO’S admirable attitude, and applaud him for coming out to cheer his team to victory! (Now we just need to come up with a nickname for him!)

OSCAR “O-DOGG” NAVARRETE (aka “O-NAV”) also gets big thanks for coming out to support his Team. OSCAR had initially planned to be at work during the game, in order to preside over an important project. However, when he heard that his beloved Spin-Offs were a player short, he took stock of his work situation and decided to re-jigger his schedule in order to help his Team! Thanks Oscar!!

The Honorable Rep. KELLY HOFFMAN (S-MO) got the “Fashionista Award” for rockin’ an awesome blue headband on Tuesday night. We thought that it was really cool, and in the future may be wearing one ourselves. Incidentally, if you didn’t hear, KELLY is responsible for The Spin-Offs getting their first local press coverage! And finally, for those of you who are political junkies – the aforementioned “(S-MO)” refers to KELLY’S home state (MO for Missouri), and her political affiliation (S for Spin-Offs! ; )

DARRELL “HUD” HUDSON aka "COOL HANDS" aka "FACE" (a reference to the A-Team!) retains his title as Team Masseur. During pre-game warm ups, CAPTAIN SCHOEN was heard to relate the story of how, during the very first Spin-Offs practice, DARRELL was giving on-field massages to nearly every pretty girl who walked by. DARRELL’S lawyers laughed when they heard this story, and cheerfully began filling out the necessary paperwork to sue CAPTAIN SCHOEN for slander. The case goes to trial in September.

NEXT GAME: Tuesday-25-August (The Spin-Offs v. The Revenue Raisers)

This will be a rescheduled game against the I.R.S. softball team. So if your taxes are a source of frustration, take it out on these folks!

(Their captain assures me that Spin-Offs players will NOT be singled out for audits.)

(Unless his team loses. ;)

Hope to see you at tonight’s “Toby’s Happy Hour!”

And as always, Hail Cesar! (Collantes ;)

- M

Press Release #6:
Spin-Offs Prove Their Mettle
Against A Highly-Ranked Foe!

Myron Gilmore prepares to wow
President Obama with a crushing triple!
Photo: M. Schoen

Washington DC. Sunset on The Mall. Marine One hovers over the field-of-battle. Spin-Off's Fan #1, President BARACK OBAMA, anxiously presses his nose to the window of his helicopter, hoping against hope to view a glimpse of his favorite softball team in action. As chance may have it, he is spectator to an important moment in the brief but shining history of The Valiant Warriors known as The Spin-Offs. Tonight our brave soldiers did battle with a foe that was not only ranked higher than they were - but significantly so. Yet watching the game, you would never have guessed it!

The Urban Cowboys (ranked #66 to the Spin-Offs' #87) had a solid defense. In the first inning, they held the Spin-Offs to a mere two runs. Yet our heroes are no slouches - they in turn also held the Cowboys to two runs! Moreover, our brave band of adventurers not only went on to hold the foe scoreless in two of the next three innings - they so did according to the mantra of Spin-Offs legend, MARQUIS "TRIPLE-TREAT" BRANTLEY, whose battle cry of "Three Up! Three Down!" repeatedly spurred his teammates to glory.

As our faithful readers will see from this chart, the Spin-Offs were well-matched against the highly ranked foe. But-for an unfortunate pair of errors in fielding and strategy during the bottom of the second inning, our heroes tonight would be celebrating yet another victory, and dining on naught but caviar and champagne! (Instead gentle readers, you may be shocked to learn that, as I write this, I sup on Spaghetti-O's and cheap beer!)

TEAM CAPTAIN SCHOEN takes full responsibility for the error in strategy. Short-Stop Extraordinaire ANDY MUIR usually provides the Team with an invaluable service: As each of the opponent's batters take the plate, ANDY yells out to the Team where the play will be. However, with ANDY on vacation (i.e. a highly-secret mission to Iran to covertly spread love of softball and the American Way to the Iranians - and instill God-like adulation for The Spin-Offs while he's at it), MR. SCHOEN omitted to designate someone to duplicate ANDY'S highly useful on-field service. As such, our brave warriors missed several opportunities to make plays at home and thus prevent runs. As a result, MR. SCHOEN offered to commit seppuku in atonement. (Seppuku is the Japanese form of ritual suicide in which an individual disembowels himself with his sword in order to repent for a mistake or faux pas.) Fortunately for MR. SCHOEN, he was dissuaded from doing so by a "compassionate" team-member, who asked him scoldingly, "If you commit seppuku, who will lug all of that heavy gear to the field every week??!" Duly chastened, MR. SCHOEN returned his ceremonial seppuku sword to the Team gear bag.

On a different tack, with between three to six games left to play in the regular season, the Spin-Offs still have a chance of making The Tournament! A string of victories may well send this newly minted team to the post season!

Longtime fans will also note that the handful of games that the Spin-Offs have lost have not been due to lack of talent or skill. The Team dropped it's season opener to a foe ranked an impressive #51/121. Yet sports analysts note that the loss was primarily due to the fact that the Team had never played together before, the coach had never played ball before (much less coached a team!), and as a result the strategy and organization were all "out of whack!" (A highly scientific term-of-art signifying that "things ain't right!") Similarly, in a loss to Team B (ranked #91/121), strategy was again the stumbling block. Specifically, our heroes strode into the lion's den with insufficient firepower - the majority of their power-hitters were unable to attend the game! Finally, the third-and-final prior "failure to win" was clearly unrelated to the valor, skill, and enthusiasm of our brave heroes. In that game, the opponent - "The Team That Shall Not Be Named" (thank you J.K. Rowling), failed to abide by the rules of the League, not to mention common courtesy. And then there was the fact that their field has never heard the sound of a lawn mower, and was covered in grass ranging from ankle-high to knee-high! (Can you say "Home Field Advantage?" =)

AWARDS, WELCOMES, THANK-YOUS, & SHOUT-OUTS!

The "MVP Award" goes to YVETTE "SNEAKY" JARDINE, for having the courage to assertively and vociferously point out the importance of making plays at home. MR. SCHOEN doffs his hat - err, his sweat band - to YVETTE, for bringing this issue to the attention of himself and the Team. Thank you for having the courage to speak up YVETTE! (As an aside, the Team's witch doctor attributed tonight's loss to the fact that, before the game, YVETTE ate Starbucks egg-salad, but failed to wash down the putrid concoction with a refreshing draught of "delicious" and "reasonably priced" Starbucks coffee. (See Press-Release #3 for the history of this magical combination.) Additionally, the Team witch-doctor claimed that this "failure to win" was also due in part to the absence of team mascot APOLLO NAVARRETE - the vicious cerbersus-like beast that guards the Spin-Offs gear during games. Every time APOLLO has "anointed" a player's gear bag with doggy "holy water" prior to a game, the Team has gone on to win a momentous victory! (Mascot Handler OSCAR "O-DOGG" NAVARRETE'S official excuse for being absent is that he has been recovering from tonsil surgery. However, inside sources at the Pentagon whisper that he has in fact been on a mission of mercy to North Korea, and is the true reason behind the recent miraculous release of two American reporters. Sorry Bill. (Apparently Kim Jong Il is Spin-Offs Fan #2!) Well done O-DOGG!

The Award for "Most Improved Batting Skills" is shared this week by "THE J-TWINS:" JESSICA "JNAV" NAVARRETE, and JACKIE "JNAR" NARANJO. Can these ladies hit, or what! And not only did each of them score extra base hits and drive in RBIs, JNAR inspired the team with catchy and upbeat motivational chants (Yeah JNAR!)! As for JNAV, she drove in a run while under tremendous pressure: it was two-outs, top of the seventh (and final) inning, Spin-Offs down by four: JNAV heroically smashed the ball to drive in an RBI!! Well done ladies - keep up the good work!!

The Award for "Player Most Dedicated to the Team" goes to DARRELL HUDSON, who despite exhaustion and an overwhelming workload literally dropped everything to come out and support his favorite softball team. And he sure knows how to show support! In his very first at-bat he DOUBLED(!) crushing a line drive to deep center field. This heroic feat was met with howls of joy by his teammates!

The "God-Send" Award is shared this week by CAPTAIN RICHARD "LITTLE HOMER" HILL, and MYRON "ZEN MASTER" GILMORE. The knowledge, acumen, and patience that these two men bring to the Team is priceless. They keep the pitcher focused and alert, alert the batter to holes in the defense (while offering useful advice on batting technique and form), and form the core of the Team's teaching staff. Thank you gentlemen - we are grateful to have you on the Team!

The "Team Mother of the Year Award" goes to the ever fabulous SHIRLEY "WHOSE YOUR MOMMA" GOODE, whose patience, enthusiasm, and generosity are such a very nice addition to the Team. Between bringing snacks and water, taking pictures, keeping score, and tracking the performance of the opposing players, SHIRLEY is a tremendous asset to the Team, and we are very glad (and lucky!) to have her support! Thank you Shirley!!

The "Team Wife of the Year Award" goes to GRETA GILMORE, whose devotion to both the Team and Her Husband (in that order! ; ) must truly be unmatched in the annals of sports history. MYRON knows that if he doesn't produce the big hits, GRETA'S wrath will fall upon him like a skydiving rhinoceros with a hole in its parachute. (I.e. he will be relegated dish-washing duty for the rest of the week! ;) GRETA - Thank you for your oversight and support! (Incidentally, today we finally learned the secret of how MYRON won GRETA'S heart. I commented to her that I wouldn't trade all the tea in China to play first-base when MYRON was at-bat. (What's the use of having all of the tea if you're not alive to drink it??!) GRETA replied along the lines of, "I used to play first-base, and MYRON sure DID hit people..." To which I "cleverly" quipped, "So THAT'S how the two of you met!" (And all this time I've been wasting money on flowers... Go figure! =)

The "Winged-Feet" & "Sticky-Glove" Awards go to the amazing MARQUIS "TRIPLE-THREAT" BRANTLEY. The Team's lawyer has actually insisted that I start issuing the following disclaimer to the captains of opposing teams: "If your player is going to hit a fly ball to center field, you might as well tell them to stay seated and take an automatic out." Yes folks, MARQUIS is that good!

The "Got-Your-Back Award" goes to the legendary JOHN "JUGGERNAUT" GULISANO. When TEAM CAPTAIN SCHOEN found himself without his regular Short-Stop (Secret Agent ANDY MUIR), MR. SCHOEN turned to JOHN for assistance. JOHN, freshly recovered from a painful knee injury, and unused to playing at short-stop, readily and enthusiastically agreed to temporarily take-over the position, thus resolving one of MR. SCHOEN'S most pressing dilemmas (the next most pressing dilemma being the question of where he'd left his seppuku sword... ;)

The "Fountain of Youth Award" goes to CURTIS "CHIEF" TROY, who divulged today that he is 65 years old! His disclosure immediately set off his teammates' allergies to "bullshit," but apparently his statement is true! Nonetheless, he pitches, bats, and runs like a much younger man! (Amongst the paparazzi that constantly follow the Team, it's rumored that CURTIS'S good health and youthful looks are due in fact to something that Team Mother SHIRLEY "WHOSE YOUR MOMMA" GOODE puts into the bottles of water that she brings to the game! (Of course these same paparzzi whisper that CURTIS is in fact over 200 years old and invented the game of softball!) Whatever his true age and the secret of his good health and youthful looks, CURTIS is an asset to the team and we're always glad when he comes out to play! He'll be missed while he "vacations" in "Michigan" next week (no doubt on a secret mission for The Spin-Offs and his Country!).

The Award for "Biggest Bubble" (sponsored by Bazooka-Joe Bubble Gum) goes to JACQUELINE "J.P." PINO, who, throughout the game blew big pink bubbles the size of which this author has not seen since grade school. Moreover, one of said bubbles saved JP from severe facial injury when it shielded her from being struck in the face by an errant ball. However, when she returned the ball to the pitcher, he was heard to repeatedly mutter some "colorful" remarks about the inordinately sticky nature of the ball...

The "Good-Looking-Out" Award goes to CLAUDIO BARTOLUCCI for recruiting the multi-talented ALEKSANDRA "ALEKS" DAMSZ to join the Spin-Offs family. CLAUDIO knows a good opportunity for a win-win situation when he sees it. (Now lets just hope that he doesn't ask for a finder's fee!)

And speaking of ALEKSANDRA and good opportunities, if you ever need any furniture, just let ALEKS know. Fresh out of college and newly arrived to both DC and the Agency, ALEKS has already displayed a penchant for finding great deals on furniture. An inside source * tells me that when she was recently teaching a seminar on the subject of finding great deals on furniture, ALEKS told the assembled audience of 500 wannabe-deal-seekers, "You'd be surprised how often nice things 'fall off the back of a truck...'" (!!) So let's give a big Spin-Offs welcome to ALEKS! (And then make sure that our stuff is securely fastened to the backs of our trucks! =)

* My source was a drunken frat-boy named Billy-Bob Hickleberry who was visiting DC from Farmtown, Idaho (population 323 (if you count the cows)). Billy-Bob claimed that he knew ALEKS from when the two of them "served in The War together." When asked as to which War he was referring, Billy-Bob cryptically replied with a drunken, good natured wink, and said "you know, that one with Grimace and Scooby." (??!)

NEXT GAME: Tuesday-11-August

See you then Spin-Offs!

And as always, Hail CESAR! (COLLANTES =)

- M